Monday, 15 September 2014

November 2013 Rants

feels like i have lost you. lost you along the coastal lines of the concrete suburban madness of this country. and i have been losing you everyday little by little.
Was it the distance of their feelings or the distance of the kilometers between them? Can a few hundred kilometers turn relations cold? Or is it just another hallucination she is facing because of her insecurities?
I do not know. This emptiness caused by your absence and bitter virtual presence continues to consume me exactly how i feel when im trapped inside a room full of smoke.
Why don't you make love to me with your words anymore? why every word is so bitter? was making love to me the end of it? was it even love?
She is scared to even ask this question.
What if he actually says yes? isn't dilemma really a bliss sometimes? just like ignorance they say?
I generally stay awake these nights. The 3:30 am train doesn't disturb me anymore. It greets me rather every night.
she thinks its like the train from Pakeezah. She thinks she is a bloody meena kumari. what a fool.
But these trains are nowhere related to you. You can't hear them anymore.
And the 5:25 train that we missed while it drizzled reminds me everyday that the night has come to an end. The 6 am birds chirp and tell me that it is finally time to fall asleep. There is a routine. But suitable to nobody. only to the dead.
I feel a lot of patience inside me and an endless wait too. More dreams are forming day after day. More late night till early morning chats with souls whom i thought to be soul-less.
Developments. Not changes.
There are restrictions. Time constraints. lack of speech. Still she manages to abuse. no intimacy. still she manages to form new temporary relations. no more back gate, crossing the dusty railway lines, no more chai with marathi songs on the radio. no more scope to build up nostalgia. everything has become so easy to get over now.
She is just tired of being heartbroken again and again.
Yet i feel so free and light.
Yesterday's rain was not romantic at all. The new yellow bulb was. The same which hides blemishes and what not. there was intimacy between her and nothingness. between her words and silence. The rain insects continue sticking to my laptop screen. Like a fool. Just like how i was in love.
I continue to lie on my bed. Stare at the ceiling. thoughts and gaze jumping into nothingness. Sometimes i aimlessly smile which fades into the same nothingness.
Something you did when you looked into my eyes and claimed that they were beautiful. Claimed that i was beautiful.
One should never make love to a feminist. She isn't one really. She is as weak and vulnerable as you.
everything else is a part of life.