hello first monday of June 2014

I really want to take this one page a day challenge seriously. God knows if I will be able to keep up at it. Jury is day after. Film is still not ready. It has become so windy here. And I have to pack also. Suddenly it hit me that how this day was so different a month back. And two months back. And six months back. And specially an year back.
Still stuck. Still confused. Still hung up on. But happy for a change. Although won't be able to witness the amazing Pune weather before leaving for Delhi. And as I reach home, their will be BA exams waiting for me.  How amazing. But before that I just want to go to Cafe garden once. Have their amazing Irani chai and watch the kittens who must have grown up now from a distance. I have never stayed away from it this long. It's been three weeks now. And so much has changed and happened in three weeks itself. I have been loved-hated-adored-hugged-kissed-ignored-shunned and silenced all of a sudden in one go in just a span of three weeks. Wow. Talk about life not ignoring you sometimes. And forcing you to sip dirty martinis.
I still dream of having a one room house with a big window in some corner of the camp area in Pune.
And then I think how beautiful this day was an year ago. People kept their promises and love. There was freedom and hope. But accompanied with a lot of illusion. All that is gone now. And the illusion too. For the good I guess.
It doesn't look like Im going to Kashmir this june after all.
So it will be pretty much Delhi heat and rains.

Long time and no see again.

One more week in this city this semester.Pretty much to myself. And my keyboard spacebar is really really fucked.
I don't know what to feel right now. Considering the highly overtly dramatic person I am interms of words and not speech, it feels weird to face loss in the matters of heart again and again. And then you just gather yourself thinking that at least you haven't fallen apart entirely and the film which you are working on for the last six months is now coming alive on the editing table.
Maybe Film makers have to face all this. Maybe that character of canteen owner from the movie ROCKSTAR was right. You have to be heartbroken.
Worse or best, is when you can't put that person to shame. Why? It wasn't their fault! It was yours entirely. It was ours entirely. And then the whole saga of forgive yourself and forgive everyone and move on and star afresh starts. Knowing or unknowingly.
Memories and nostalgia scented moments will be turned hopefully into screenplays and storyboards. Old places will be less visited. Or will stay in occasionally taken photographs.
Will have to resort to our own bodies to derive the pleasures we din't even know that existed when awakened by their kiss on our feet while we were asleep.
we are faced with their questions of 'what do you want?' even when they know that all we need is nothing but them. How hard it is to understand?
Why unrequited love is so important to infuriate, enrage or engage us so that we can shut ourselves from love again and indulge only in personal gratification.
Why communication itself is so difficult when it actually makes everything so easy. Or why do we ALWAYS fall prey to the beast called PSEUDO Relationship. These terms and tags and labels have always been confusing and repelling for a person who ends up feeling like a stupid 16 year old in love after every failure in life.
They say failure in a relationship is two sided. Never one. And you always see it coming. Some even anticipate for it. But what about those who slept one night peacefully and the next in tears? Those who never get an answer for why they were loved one day and ignored the other. Those who were treated to be faded away from everyone's and their own memories. Weren't we always honest about our feelings? Din't we make ourselves clear? Din't we tell them not to keep us on hold? Then even after million pleadings and infinite kisses later, It is always the one who loves is never answered to.
They talk behind our backs. They share us with those who shared them in the past.
We think we gave our everything into this and for them it was just messing around.
And yet we keep telling ourselves that they aren't bad. They aren't bad and yes they are indeed bad.
Sometimes it doesn't really hurt to accept the reality because you know that all the courage we took to fall in this and get hurt in the first place, they don't possess even an atom of it.
Maybe over the course of time, we will grow up as they wanted to see us to be but not for them. They won't be their to see it neither they deserve to.
We will finally take that bus or train which we had taken once with them. But this time we will go alone and for ourselves. When we will finally be independent even though we were never dependent on them.  And we will stop visiting places which they loved because as much as they are dear to them, they are more than that to us.
It's not even my city you know. All though I owe it to this place for keeping me alive even in the worst situations. Debt is not that bad a word too.

Here is a picture of Ritu's Fibi.
She is a cute lil creature who doesn't know what all this means.
What all we humans go through willingly and unwillingly.
All of us. Even them.