Sunday, 11 January 2015

the last hello of 2015.

this post, and Im apologetic whole heartedly about it too, is indeed an unfathomable upsetting start to this year.
last night, was the night I finished the last season of breaking bad.
last entire night, I was worried about all my closed ones being destroyed in ways I could never have imagined in my filthiest of dreams.
last entire night, I kept on wishing how I should have been dead indeed the night of 29th January 2014, when I and Krithika met with an accident on the highway while coming back from Ishan's house. Trying to make it by 9 pm to college as per the curfew timings. We were at the speed of 20. A random alto overtook us from behind and further ahead rammed itself into a stationary sugarcane truck. Krithika tried to control the vehicle in order to save us but the car's behind hit the scooter and I lost my balance. Fell half an inch away from the divider flat on my back.
We both were in shock as she took me to the hospital. She was scrutinized by her mother for taking care of me. And the drama with the authority which followed later was enough to make me feel ashamed of my existence in this college.
Krithika held me responsible for the accident. That it was for me she came along. The medical visit i needed so bad.
It wasn't my fault. It wasn't our fault either. My father says mostly accidents happen because it is someone else's fault.
How I wish I was dead that night Krithika. I would have had nikhita still with me. Ishan would have realized his mistakes too. we would have never fallen apart.

In Osho's words, we all could have learnt from something extreme.

this morning, I got to know a former batchmate from college was in I.C.U. It was a case of drunk driving. He was declared dead by afternoon. Me, Rudy and Tambe were about to eat lunch. Our appetites were killed and the food was untouched for the next few minutes. we resumed eating.
It was the time for the void to settle in. It was a person whom we were not very close to, but the absence was unacceptable.

I don't know what exactly happened. I don't know what could have and could have not happened.
I remember buying a gift for him with swaroopa on her delhi visit trip. The discussions we had on about as to what he would like and not like.

I had heard how Pragya was upset about her fights with this guy who was so dear to him.
I had heard about what an amazing person he was.
I had heard and witnessed how Swaroopa made a bday card with a poem for him.
I had seen how this person was harmless to everyone around.

These were the people who started mattering to me even more.
The ones who are left behind.
Did I still wanted to be dead that night?

I don't know if he really managed to handle the vehicle and it was actually the truck's fault.
I don't know if they were hurrying back to college to make it through the 9:30 curfew timings.
I don't know if our dick college is going to put more restrictions on us. Clearly putting more restrictions has done no good to us anyway.

I don't know If this close friend of mine was right when he said that sadly our college people won't learn anything from this and continue to repeat such stupidity.
I don't know If us so called designers will continue to design posters for road safety and still be found seatbeltless and hundreds of bones crushed in unknown territories.
I don't know whose fault it was.

Why a girl has to be raped so that a thousand can start questioning female rights in the public.
Why an innocent friend, son, student has to lose his life so that a hundred others can learn a lesson from it.
Because at kaka's monica told me about the quote. That we learn from the extremes.

All I know is it wasn't my fault on 8:55 pm 29th January 2014.
All I know is that on thursday afternoon He said his first and last hello of this year and his life to me in his usual way outside college under the bright January winter sun.
All I know is that today when he left us, It wasn't his fault either. He had to leave.
Nothing more to say after this.